


Then We'll Make Our Own

by mokuyoubi



Series: Carmen 'Verse [4]
Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Christmas, Fluff and Angst, Kid Fic, M/M, Religious Conflict
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-11
Updated: 2013-03-11
Packaged: 2017-12-05 00:09:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/716631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mokuyoubi/pseuds/mokuyoubi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer and Brendon return to Las Vegas for Carmen's first Christmas.  Self-indulgent fluffy stuff.  I am unrepentant and you are warned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Then We'll Make Our Own

Carmen was just over a month old for her first Christmas, and Brendon insisted on driving. Spencer would have preferred flying—a potentially cranky baby for an hour long flight was preferable to a six hour car drive. But Brendon was worried she’d be scared and that the pressure would be painful, so in the end Spencer had given in.

They packed Brendon’s hybrid with a jumbo pack of diapers, bottles and formula, wet wipes and a few dozen onesies and the two Christmas dresses Brendon had bought, and more toys than could ever be necessary. They almost forgot to pack for themselves, and the night before Spencer had haphazardly thrown a few outfits into a backpack. 

“We might have gone a little overboard,” Spencer commented, upon settling Carmen’s carseat into the back. 

“Better safe than sorry,” Brendon said. 

They left early the day before Christmas Eve in a vain effort to beat traffic, and dropped Bogart off with Regan and Shane the night before to save time. Brendon was awake and excited—most of their families hadn’t met Carmen yet, and Brendon loved showing her off. He volunteered to drive first and Spencer, still mostly asleep, happily took him up on the offer, sitting in the back with a sleeping Carmen. 

Brendon turned on the engine and began messing around with the radio, turning the volume down low. Spencer rolled his eyes fondly and snorted when he saw the CD Brendon was reaching for. Brendon froze, meeting Spencer’s gaze in the mirror. “What?” he asked. 

“Nothing,” Spencer said, closing his eyes and leaning against the window. He smiled. “I love your silly obsessions.” 

Brendon was silent and the music didn’t change from radio to the recording of “Beauty and the Beast.” After a moment, Brendon began backing out. Spencer frowned, squinting against the glare of the early morning sun. “What’s up?” 

Brendon shifted gear and adjusted the side mirrors, turning onto Sandover Drive before answering. “Nothing,” he said, too nicely. 

Spencer repressed the urge to sigh, and rubbed his shoulder instead. “Why aren’t you listening to your CD?” 

Brendon shrugged. “I know it annoys you.” 

Spencer did sigh then. “It doesn’t annoy me. Maybe when I’m drunk. But seriously, Bren, listen to what you want.” 

“I don’t _want_ to listen to it,” Brendon said firmly, tone bordering on icy. He grabbed Spencer’s iPod from the cup holder when they came to a stoplight and plugged it into the adapter. An old Eve 6 song began playing and Spencer closed his eyes again, gritting his teeth against irrational anger. 

The ride passed in silence for another couple hours. Spencer drifted off to sleep, stirring when Carmen began to fuss. Spencer was still getting used to this baby thing. He hadn’t been that old when the twins were born and all his cousins were older than him. He still wasn’t that great at soothing a crying baby, but he’d gotten to be pro at changing her diaper. He poked at her pants, trying to figure out if she was wet. 

“She’s hungry,” Brendon said, but he sounded fond instead of annoyed. “There’s an exit in a couple miles.” 

At the gas station, Brendon went to heat up a bottle while Spencer changed Carmen’s diaper. Luckily, there was a changing table in the men’s restroom, because that was not a fight Spencer felt like having right now. 

Brendon was the next in line with one coffee and one hot chocolate, shoulders tense. Spencer bumped their hips together and pressed a quick, discreet kiss to Brendon’s temple. “Baby?” he offered, when Brendon sat the cups on the counter. “She makes everything better.” 

Brendon cracked a smile at that and hummed his agreement when he took her, tucking her into his elbow. She latched on to the bottle he offered her at once, hands flailing around. Brendon’s smile grew wider and some of the tension left his back. 

Spencer paid the guy at the counter and waited until they were out of earshot before asking, “You okay?” 

“I’m fine,” Brendon said. Spencer knew that _fine_. That was the same fine from when Brendon’s parents had first kicked him out. It was the _fine_ from in the studios with Ryan. From when Jon and Ryan had left. Pushing wouldn’t making anything better right now. 

“I can drive, if you want,” Spencer said. 

Brendon shook his head. “Seriously, Spence.” 

Spencer sort of wanted to put his hands on his hips, but the cup holder and diaper bag made it a bit difficult. Instead, he just took a deep breath. “Look, I don’t mind your music,” he said. 

“Whatever,” Brendon snorted, fastening Carmen into her seat. He stood up, switching Carmen’s bottle for the coffee in the cup holder. “I don’t care either way.” 

“I don’t want to fight,” Spencer said. 

“Then don’t,” Brendon said, with a fake little smile that made Spencer want to smack him. “I’m not fighting with you.” 

You’d think, after over a decade of friendship with Ryan Ross, and several years spent with the moodiest band in the universe, Spencer knew how to deal with this sort of thing in a mature, rational manner. Still, it was really satisfying when he climbed in next to Carmen and slammed the car door with unnecessary force. 

They only had to stop one more time to change Carmen, and Spencer was sincerely grateful, because it had to be the worse car ride of his life, and the sooner it was over, the better. They arrived in Summerlin before noon; Brendon had made good time, even given how cautious he was with Carmen in the backseat. 

Spencer’s parents had gone overboard, as usual, with their decorations on the outside of the house—giant inflatable snowman, sleigh and light-up reindeer on the roof, giant, gaudy mulit-coloured lights along the trim of the house and in the bushes. 

Every year it was a competition among the neighbours to see who could come up with the tackiest decorations to piss off the grumpy old lady at number 11. For eight years running, Jeff Smith had held the title, and it looked like he wasn’t going to relinquish it anytime soon, though the Stamper’s blinged out manger scene was giving him a run for his money. 

The car had barely come to a stop before Spencer’s parents came out the front door, Spencer’s mother coming around to Carmen’s side of the car saying, “Let me see my grandbaby.” 

“The twins are gonna be pissed you guys got here while they were out,” Dad said, taking the bags of Carmen’s stuff that Spencer passed him. 

“Jeffery Smith, watch your language,” Mom said. 

Dad rolled his eyes at Spencer. “Maybe in a year or two,” he said, waving a dismissive hand. 

As soon as Carmen was free of her seat, Brendon passed her over to Mom, who cooed as she accepted her. “She’s gotten so big,” she said absently, brushing hair off Carmen’s forehead. 

Brendon chuckled. “Of course she has,” he said, “all she ever does is eat and sleep. Which, oddly enough, are two things Spencer and I never get to do anymore.” He and Ginger shared wry smiles, and Spencer hoped whatever the problem had been that morning, it was gone. 

“You forgot shitting. She does a lot of that, too,” Spencer muttered. 

“Honestly, am I going to have to wash both your mouths out with soap?” Mom asked, glaring at Spencer and his father. 

Spencer shouldered the backpack with his and Brendon’s clothes and followed his father back up the drive. “Why are the twins gonna be pissed?” he asked. 

“Couldn’t possibly be that they want to meet their niece,” Dad said, teasing. 

“Couldn’t possibly be because your father’s been rubbing their faces in the fact that he’s already met Carmen. And prancing around the house showing off the pictures from the visit,” Mom said. 

“Hey!” Dad exclaimed, affront. “I never pranced. Though the rest is pretty much true.” 

“Where are they?” Brendon asked. He sounded anxious, and Spencer knew he was worried about what Crystal would think. She’d been the one to volunteer as their surrogate, and Brendon was still worried that she was offended they’d adopted instead. 

“Your father used the last of the nutmeg and sugar,” Mom said accusingly. It still made Spencer feel a rush of warmth to hear his mother refer to his father as Brendon’s, too. 

“The sweet potatoes are important,” Spencer said reasonably. 

“So are my pumpkin pie and pecan clusters,” his mother said. 

Brendon nodded knowingly. “I’m with Mom,” he said. “Pie is important.” His tone was grave and Mom laughed distractedly, too busy giving Carmen Eskimo kisses to really pay them much attention. 

“You may never get your daughter back,” Spencer’s father said, dropping their bags in the hallway. 

“That’s okay with me, if it means I can sleep longer than four hours in a row,” Spencer said under his breath, and slumped happily into the touch when his father squeezed his shoulders in a quick massage. 

“You try it with twins. You get one to sleep and then the other starts screaming and wakes the other one up…” His father shook his head, but he was smiling at the memory. He ducked in to steal Carmen away from Ginger, who protested and stood on her toes to look over his shoulder, making faces at the baby. 

Brendon watched them fondly, a far away smile on his face. Spencer wrapped an arm around his back, knowing where his mind was. “They’ll see her, and they’ll fall in love.” 

“Yeah,” Brendon said, and shrugged him off and taking a seat in the arm chair. He looked exhausted and Spencer wanted to make it better, but he had a feeling things wouldn’t be right again until after the holidays, no matter what he did. 

The twins arrived home a few minutes later and immediately began squealing over Carmen, crowding around their father and waving rattles and fingers in her face. “She’s pretty cute,” Jackie said indulgently. 

“I want a million of them,” Crystal said, and sighed dreamily. 

“You know when she’s even cuter? At three in the morning, fed, changed, and still crying,” Spencer said. 

“You guys do look pretty beat,” Crystal said with a sympathetic look. “I can watch her if you guys wanna lay down before dinner.” 

Brendon was usually paranoid about leaving Carmen with their friends, but he agreed readily now and led the way upstairs. Spencer’s bedroom was much the same as it always had been, with the exception of the crib, some shiny new thing with a soft looking blanket and a colourful mobile suspended above. 

“They didn’t have to get such a fancy one,” Brendon said, and touched a finger to the mobile, a soft, absent smile on his face, and dropped onto the bed heavily. 

“Yeah, they did,” Spencer said. “She’s their first grandchild.” 

Brendon didn’t say anything, and Spencer waited until he was settled before lying down beside him. Brendon curled up against him at once, hand worming under Spencer’s shirt. He breathed out heavily and his lips brushed skin as he spoke. “Sorry for being such a dick earlier.” 

Spencer squeezed his hand and said nothing. “Just. Obsession sounds so childish and we have a child of our own now. How can I take care of her if I still act like a child?” 

“First off, I think you do a pretty damn amazing job taking care of Carmen,” Spencer said. “Secondly, I didn’t mean it that way, Brendon, and who the fuck cares if listening to Disney music is childish. Hell, everything Pete does is childish, and no one would say Bronx isn’t well-loved and cared for. Or maybe you think we should do it more like Bill, because he keeps Genny out of the press, only it means he never sees her and can do whatever the hell he wants on tour, no matter how immature. 

“I know you’re freaking out about what your parents are going to say—” 

“You aren’t?” Brendon interrupted. 

Spencer shrugged awkwardly. He rolled onto his side to pull Brendon closer. “They don’t like me anyway. I don’t see how adding a kid to the equation makes things any worse. And you told them. Your mother said it was fine.” 

“I think a hypothetical baby was okay. She never took it seriously when we were talking about it,” Brendon said. “It just pisses me off that they’ve already judged Carmen because she’s ours, instead of waiting to see what an awesome baby she is. They always loved Eric and Kara and Mark and Jayson’s kids, before they were fucking born.” 

“Hey,” Spencer said, and rubbed Brendon’s back soothingly. Brendon’s breath on his neck was hot and damp. “At least Carmen has one set of grandparents who love her unconditionally. And all her aunts and uncles adore her already, if the pile of gifts they’ve sent us is anything to go by.” 

Brendon nodded wearily. “Yeah. Spence, look. I told your mom and dad I was going to call them Ginger and Jeff while my parents are here.” 

“You go out of your way to make them so fucking comfortable when all they’ve ever done is judge you and put conditions on their love for you,” Spencer snapped. He sorta wanted to get up, but he wasn’t going to leave just because Brendon didn’t behave how Spencer thought he should. Unlike Brendon’s parents. 

“I know,” Brendon whispered. “I know you’re right, but I can’t help it. Spence, this isn’t about me, or us. Carmen deserves to have all of her grandparents and I know how lucky we are to have your parents, and they’re great enough to understand why I have to act a certain way in front of my parents. They know I love them anyway.” 

“Yeah, but Brendon…” There were plenty of arguments Spencer could make—good ones, too—but he knew they would only hurt Brendon’s feelings. So what if Spencer thought that just one set of grandparents was better than two, if the second set were judgemental assholes. Brendon was so desperate for his parents’ love and approval…

“I know,” Brendon said again, like he was reading Spencer’s mind. 

Spencer squeezed him and kissed his hair. “I’m freaking about dinner,” he said. He was as nervous as shit, frankly. When they’d been younger, Brendon’s parents had been under the mistaken impression that Spencer was the _good_ bandmate—only let Brendon go out if Spencer was going, too, only letting Brendon spend the night if it was at Spencer’s house. Since he’d started dating Brendon, though, they’d barely exchanged five words with him. 

No matter what age he was, he was sure Brendon’s parents would always have the ability to make him feel like a naughty five year old. Maybe he could appreciate Brendon’s Disney induced anxiety. 

Brendon chuckled humourlessly. “Me, too.” 

Spencer pressed another kiss and this time Brendon tipped his head back for another kiss, this time on the lips. “I’m really sorry about all of it, Spence. You don’t deserve my shit.” 

“Eh, it’s okay. I think I signed up for this shit,” Spencer said. “You’re an infuriating dickhead. Part of why I fell in love with you.” 

“Gee, thanks,” Brendon said, but some of the tension had gone out of him. 

“We should sleep, before my sister realises our daughter is a monster in a cute baby suit,” Spencer whispered. 

Brendon smiled and kissed Spencer again, soft and long. He sighed, settling in more closely to Spencer’s side, and Spencer was asleep within seconds. 

*

Spencer’s family got them on Christmas Eve and Brendon’s family got Christmas. To forestall any complaints that their families didn’t get equal attention, Spencer’s mom had invited over Grace and Boyd to dinner the evening of their arrival. 

After their nap they showered and changed, and when they came down it was to find that Spencer’s mother had bathed Carmen and put her in one of her special Christmas outfits, complete with festive white and red bows in her hair, and velvet booties. Crystal and Spencer’s father were fighting over who got to hold her while Spencer’s mother snapped pictures. Spencer figured it was a good thing pictures were being taken, because he estimated they had maybe twenty minutes before the outfit was destroyed. 

The Urie’s arrived right on time, Grace carrying a covered dish. “I brought salad,” she said, awkwardly, not looking at Brendon or Spencer, or Carmen. “I wasn’t sure what else you’d need.” 

“Salad is perfect,” Spencer’s mother assured her. Jackie took the dish from Grace and Grace looked nervously at Carmen, rubbing her hands together as if she didn’t know what to do with them. 

“This is her, huh?” Grace said. 

“Carmen,” Spencer said, trying hard to keep the irritation out of his voice. They hadn’t even sent a _card_ to their granddaughter. Hadn’t called once. 

Spencer’s father shifted his hold on Carmen and came closer. “Do you want to hold her?” 

“Oh,” Grace said uncertainly. “I’m still all…” She stopped. “Yes, here.” She held out her arms and let Jeff laid Carmen in them. 

Boyd peered over his wife’s shoulder, stroking a finger over Carmen’s cheek. “She’s very cute,” he said. 

“She’s beautiful,” Grace corrected, but somehow it didn’t sound very complimentary. She was all stiff, and Carmen started fussing. Grace looked confused by it, and brushed at Carmen’s hair ineffectually. She looked like she’d never held a child before, instead of having five of her own. 

“She’s alright,” Crystal said. “Not as pretty as if she’d been from me.” Spencer flicked her hard on the arm and she punched him in the shoulder. Boyd looked downright scandalised at that. 

Brendon laughed at them. “You can do the next one,” he said. 

“The next one?” Grace said, startled. “You plan to have another?” 

Spencer crossed his arms and tilted his hips, ready to respond, but Brendon spoke first. “We both love our siblings too much to let Carmen be an only child,” he said. 

“Well,” Spencer’s father said, “we’ll take all the grandchildren you give us.” 

“Dinner’s ready,” Spencer’s mother said. “Grace, would you mind helping me with the lemonade? Spencer, girls, you can bring the food out. Brendon, the dressing.” 

Grace looked to Jeff to take Carmen, but Boyd beat him to it, swaying Carmen in his arms. He whispered something to her and Spencer saw the hesitant smile on Brendon’s face. Spencer grabbed his hand on the way into the kitchen and gave it a quick squeeze. 

Dinner wasn’t as weird as Spence had anticipated, mostly thanks to his parents. They’d only ever really met Brendon’s parents before at concerts backstage, which wasn’t really conducive to conversation. Now there was plenty for them to talk about. Spencer had worried his parents were too casual for Brendon’s family, but it proved he’d worried unnecessarily on that point. His parents were being on their best behaviour, as were Jackie and Crystal. 

Brendon held Carmen while Spencer ate, stealing bites when Spencer offered them. They’d given up trying to eat while holding Carmen after week number four, when at which point she’d proved to be enough of a distraction, making a mess of several of their outfits, the couch and the carpet in the bedroom and the living room. Now they had a pretty good system, taking turns and feeding each other. 

Crystal finished quickly and took Carmen so Brendon could eat. Grace watched like she wanted to protest, or something. Spencer wished she would, almost. He was just waiting for the opportunity to say something to her. But Crystal offered Carmen a bottle and Grace just asked, “How’s she eating.” 

Brendon shook his head and smiled. “She was a premie, you know, and her mother wasn’t in the best shape, so Carmen was super underweight. We started her on a special formula the hospital recommended, though, and now she’s in the 80th percentile for weight.” 

He didn’t bring up the cold she’d had for two weeks after Thanksgiving, and how she’d lost a bit of weight then, or how her digestive system was still suffering from being born premature. Spencer couldn’t be too upset with Carmen’s mother, though, since she’d given them Carmen. He knew Grace would somehow manage to make all those things about Brendon’s failure as a parent, somehow. 

Carmen pushed away her bottle and Spencer was just about to warm Crystal—Carmen had the charming habit of taking extra formula into her mouth when she was finished eating, the letting it dribble back out—when Carmen let out a little “meh” sound, along with a mouthful of milk. 

“Awesome,” Crystal said dryly. “You guys trained her to do that, right?” 

“Just for you,” Brendon said, and blew her a little kiss. “I’ll go change her.” 

“Nah, I need to change myself anyway. Might as well change her while I’m at it.” 

Grace and Boyd shared some unreadable look over that, and it made Spencer even tenser. There was a weird silence for a moment while everyone picked at their plates. 

“So. How’s the album coming?” Spencer’s father asked. Spencer knew he was trying to lighten the mood at the table, and he appreciated it, but bringing up music wasn’t always the best way where Brendon’s parents were involved. 

“We’re mostly finished,” Brendon said gamely, with a quick look at his parents. “I need to go back in a lay down some harmonies, but other than that, recording is done.” 

“You’ll have to play us some after dinner,” Spencer’s dad said. 

“Dad, come on,” Spencer said. He was grateful his parents were into his music, but sometimes it was embarrassing. 

“What?” Jeff went on blithely. “Brendon brought his guitar, right?” 

Brendon shook his head. “Things were kinda crazy. I just forgot it. Besides, with all of Carmen’s toys, I’m not sure we’d have had the room.” He and Spencer shared a look and rolled their eyes. 

“Well, we have that old piano that no one else is using, collecting dust. Brendon can put it to good use,” Ginger said. 

“Mom,” Brendon whined, no doubt without realising it, and Grace flinched visibly. “Seriously, we’ve been playing these songs non-stop for _months_.” 

“And this will give you practice for the tour,” Ginger said reasonably. 

“When are you going back on tour?” Jackie asked. “These girls in my comms class keep bugging me about it. Oh, and when the CD’s coming out.” She waved her fork in the air vaguely, like she didn’t get what the big fuss was about. Spencer loved his sisters. 

“Well, we start post-production after the holidays. Our producer, Derrick, is really great and he and Spence have been talking over ideas a lot. He gets what we wanna do,” Brendon said. He seemed to forget his earlier tension, talking about their work. 

“I’m learning a lot from him,” Spencer said. “I’ve heard Patrick talk a lot, but I think I finally get why he’s so interested in producing. If we ever have any down time, I might look into it.” 

“Yeah, when we’re fifty, maybe,” Brendon snorted. “So, we’re dropping the CD in February and leaving for tour at the beginning of March.” 

“So soon,” Boyd said. “What are you going to do about the baby?” 

“ _Carmen_ will be coming with us,” Brendon said. 

“You’re taking the baby on one of those buses?” Grace asked, looking scandalised. 

“Of course we’re taking _Carmen_ with us,” Spencer said through gritted teeth. “Crystal’s taking classes online for a couple quarters so she can come with us and help out.” 

“Are you sure that’s the best idea?” Boyd asked, brow furrowed. 

Brendon took a deep breath and sat down his fork very precisely before speaking. “What do you think the best idea would be, Dad? That we leave her behind? We didn’t get a pet, okay? Carmen isn’t something we can just drop off with a friend when we go on tour. She isn’t our daughter only when it’s convenient for us.” 

“Brendon, you don’t need to take that tone with your father,” Grace said, and cast an uncomfortable look at Spencer’s family. Jackie was staring fixedly at her plate and Spencer’s mom and dad were politely ignoring the discussion. “We’re simply concerned that maybe the two of you didn’t think this through properly. A child isn’t a pet. Having one isn’t a decision to be made lightly.” 

“We didn’t make this decision lightly,” Brendon said evenly. “We’ve been talking about this for a year. We _told_ you. We had to go through a lot more effort to have Carmen than most straight couples do.” 

They hadn’t entered into it as easily as Jayson and Shalan, was what Brendon wasn’t saying, and what Spencer wanted to. He liked Brendon’s brother and his wife, and he didn’t have anything against them personally, but they’d had their first kid seven months after their wedding and were still relying financially on Grace and Boyd

“The last we heard you were planning on having a surrogate mother, and then the next thing we know you’re calling to say you’ve adopted some baby you saw at a hospital, whose mother was some drug addict,” Grace said. 

“Jessica has some problems, but she’s not an addict,” Spencer said sharply. “And yeah, Crystal was going to surrogate for us, but we saw Carmen, who was going to be put in the care of the state and we thought it was pretty selfish to want one who was related by blood when there was one who needed us.” 

Crystal chose that moment to come back in, changed, and with Carmen in one of her plainer outfits. “She looks tired,” she said. “I tried rocking her, but she wouldn’t stop fussing.” 

“It’s okay,” Brendon said, and got up to take Carmen and holding her close to his chest. He picked up the pacifier attached to her collar and held it to her mouth, which she took eagerly. “She likes music when she’s falling asleep. I’ll take care of her.” He cast a quick look at his parents. “It might be awhile. Go ahead with dinner. I’ll eat later.” 

When he was gone, Spencer put down his napkin on the table and pushed back his chair. “I guess you’d know about taking your roles as parents lightly. I guess when you have five of them, losing one child doesn’t matter as much.,” Spencer said. 

“Spencer!” his mother said, but he could tell by the look in her eye that she didn’t disagree. 

“It’s just the same to me if you don’t have anything to do with Carmen,” Spencer went on, “but for some crazy reason Brendon still loves you, in spite of everything, and still wants you in our lives. You might act like you deserve it.” 

Brendon was out in the hallway when Spencer came out, eyes close, lip caught between his teeth. Spencer was immediately contrite. “I’m sorry,” he said. 

“You shouldn’t have said that,” Brendon whispered. 

“I know. I probably just proved their point,” Spencer said. 

“No,” Brendon said. “I—I know you don’t understand, but I love them. But they aren’t right about us.” 

“Yeah?” Spencer asked, stepping closer. He slid an arm under Brendon’s, sharing Carmen’s weight between them. 

Brendon nodded, tipped his head back to meet Spencer’s lips. It was soft, barely a brush of skin on skin. Then Brendon curled a hand in Spencer’s shirt and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss. When they parted, they were both breathing heavily and rested their foreheads together. “I love you,” Spencer said. 

Brendon smiled, and it was tinged around the edges with tiredness, but it was still the most beautiful thing Spencer had ever seen. “I love you. I love our family. I just…” There were soft murmurs coming from the dining room, and Spencer was frankly a little worried about what might be being said. “I should probably go do damage control,” Brendon said. 

Spencer lifted Carmen carefully from Brendon’s arms. She wasn’t fussing anymore, but her eyes were strangely focussed on Spencer’s face. She’d been doing that more and more lately. “Hey baby,” he said, and pressed a kiss to her cheek. Her skin was soft and smooth against his lips. “Let’s see if we can bribe you to sleep.” 

He gave Brendon another, quick kiss on his way upstairs, and tried not to worry about what Brendon was saying to his parents. 

“I know I don’t have your papa’s voice, but I’ll give it a try,” Spencer whispered, and cleared his throat. Brendon always had a million lullabies when it was bedtime, and when he ran out of folk songs and Disney soundtracks, he’d start making up his own. Spencer was half-seriously considering the idea of putting together a CD of them. 

Spencer, though. At home, if he was the one putting Carmen to bed, he’d just play one of her CDs, but he’d forgotten to pack any. He hummed aimlessly for a moment, thinking, before remembering the one his mother had sung his sisters as children. 

“‘A’ – you’re adorable, ‘B’ – you’re so beautiful, ‘C’ – you’re a cutie full of charms.” His voice didn’t have the same richness as Brendon’s, but he could carry a tune, at least, and Carmen watched him, sucking steadily on her pacifier, until her eyes began to droop. 

He was on his forth rendition of the song, making up his own lyrics this time through—he’d taken a break after the third time, singing the mockingbird song, until he had realised he had no idea what came after the looking glass—when he noticed Brendon in the doorway. He was watching them with crossed arms and a broad smile. 

Spencer trailed off. “Shut up,” he said, and could feel himself blush. 

“What our fans would pay to have a video of that,” Brendon teased, pushing off the door frame. “She seemed to like it, too.” He nodded at Carmen, asleep in Spencer’s arms. 

Spencer laid her in her crib and made sure her monitor was turned up before following Brendon out of the room. “Is everything okay?” 

Brendon shrugged. “I don’t know. They said it was. They apologised, and your dad and mine talked for a few minutes, and then they said they’d see us on Christmas and they hoped you were still coming. 

Spencer sighed and rubbed his face blearily. “Some days I don’t feel twenty-two,” he said. 

Brendon rolled his eyes. “Okay, old man,” he said, squeezing Spencer’s shoulder. “Come down and take a load off. We’re going to watch ‘Love Actually.’” 

“You’re such a girl,” Spencer said. 

“Whatever. I’m not the one who always cries at the end,” Brendon teased, and jumped down the last couple steps to dodge the swipe Spencer aimed at his ass, and went laughing into the living room. 

*

Kara called the next day while Brendon and Spencer were helping in the kitchen. The desserts as well as the noodles, rolls and ham had been made the day before, but the duck, potatoes, and veggies still all needed made. Spencer had dragged his heels about it, but Brendon was more than happy to stand at the sink peeling potatoes and gossiping with Crystal and Ginger. Spencer mostly came up with excuses to check on Carmen every five minutes or so.

Spencer knew it was Kara calling from the ring, but he would have known even without, from the way Brendon's face lit up. "She's great," Brendon said, to Kara's new standard greeting of asking after Carmen. "Thank you so much for the gifts. She loves her wrist rattle." 

Brendon wandered from the room, phone tucked against his shoulder. When he returned, he had finished his call and had a strangely determined expression on his face. "Kara and Jayson say ‘thank you’ and ‘you've got balls of steel,'" Brendon said to him. 

Spencer half-cringed, half-smiled. He could only imagine what exactly Grace and Boyd had told their children. "Yeah, I'm a hero," Spencer said self-deprecating. He could chew them out all he wanted, but he doubted it would ever really get to them. "You're my hero," Brendon said earnestly, and stood on his toes to press a kiss to Spencer's cheek. 

"Jesus, you two are lame," Jackie said. "Seriously, how are you famous? If only your fans knew." 

"Oh, they know," Crystal assured her. "There's this creepy girl, Karie, in my history class, who like totally stalks me after class asking about them, and always calls them failboats." 

Brendon turned his nose to the ceiling, aloof. "It's a term of endearment. Though I prefer the married boyfriends one." Crystal and Spencer rolled their eyes at each other. "Also, seriously, if she keeps up the stalking, I'll totally cut a bitch," Brendon added sincerely. 

"Word," Spencer said. 

"Or we'll have Zack do it," Brendon said, after a beat. 

"Probably the wiser course of action," Spencer allowed. 

"Aww," Crystal said, faking a swoon. "My heroes." 

"Lame," Jackie reiterated. 

*

They arrived at the Urie house at nine in the morning to find the place in chaos. There were thirteen grandchildren not including Carmen, between the ages of two and fourteen, and they were running around excitedly. The family had waited to open gifts until Brendon arrived and now all the children gathered around Spencer, crowding close to see Carmen. 

“Can I hold her, Uncle Spencer?” Chase, the oldest asked, peering up earnestly into Spencer’s face. 

“Me first,” Kyla insisted. She, Mike, and Erin were stroking Carmen’s skin and hair where they could reach, and she was starting to squirm like she was going to cry any second. 

“You’re too tiny,” Chase said. 

Privately, Spencer thought they were all too tiny, but Brendon looked indulgent. “Maybe after presents,” he said. 

“And after adults,” Kara said, swooping in past the children. Spencer passed Carmen over and Kara magically soothed her fussing within a couple seconds. 

The children were distracted easily enough when they went back into the living room and were faced with a Christmas tree practically swallowed by presents. Spencer’s family had always been generous with gifts, but it was nothing compared to this. Mark was taking pictures of everything and Shyla, Shalan, Kara and Tess were taking turns holding and cooing over Carmen. 

Brendon fit in with the general insanity of the occasion, easily following the ten different conversations going on, and knowing who was opening what and whose turn was next. Spencer tried not to let it overwhelm him and leapt at the chance to escape when Carmen started fussing for food. He grabbed her diaper bag and disappeared into the kitchen, just standing against the sink and staring out the window for a long minute, reminding himself it was for Brendon.

There were quite a few gifts for Carmen, between her grandparents and aunts and uncles, but Spencer felt vaguely resentful about the gifts from Boyd and Grace, as if they thought that showering her with gifts made up for the fact that they’d all but ignored her for the first month of her life. 

Spencer accepted the clothing and toys with a forced smile, and vowed to donate them to Salvation Army when they got back to LA. He also planned on never using the gift certificate they’d given him for his gift. Maybe Shane and Regan would want it. 

The women all crowded the kitchen after presents, working on the last touches for dinner. The children ran around the house and backyard playing with their new things, laughing and screaming and making Spencer’s head ache. The men, Brendon whispered, were expected to go to the basement rec room and watch sports and play darts. 

The thing was, Spencer had never been into sports anyway and avoided watching them with his own family. It was even worse here, with the added stress of knowing he didn’t belong, and knowing everyone else knew it, too. It wasn’t that Mike and Jayson and Harrison weren’t nice to him, but he knew they were uncomfortable interacting with him around their parents. 

“Maybe I should take Carmen up to nap,” Spencer protested, but Shalan took her away and waved him off. 

Brendon sat next to him on the sofa while they watched the game, but he didn’t press close to Spencer like he normally would, didn’t even touch him, and Spencer was acutely aware of the space between them, and the way Boyd kept glancing over at them like his doing so was the only thing keeping Spencer from suddenly attack-making out with Brendon. 

“I should go check on her,” Spencer whispered, sometime during the second quarter, or whatever. 

Brendon gave him an indulgent look. “Those women up there have eighteen children. I think they can handle one baby between the five of them.” 

Spencer thought maybe he was being stupid, but he couldn’t help it; he hadn’t been away from Carmen for so long except while asleep, since she’d been born. “I’m going through baby withdrawal.” 

Brendon chuckled and finally squirmed closer, throwing an arm over Spencer’s waist and laying his head on his shoulder. “You’re like a big, cuddly Mother Bear.” 

“Shut up,” Spencer grumbled, but he smiled when he pressed his face into Brendon’s hair. Brendon’s oldest brother, Eric gave them a sideways half-smile which, Spencer figured, was better than nothing. 

*

Dinner pretty much sucked. There were three different tables—one for the young kids, one for the teens, and one for the adults, with a space between Brendon and Spencer’s seats for Carmen’s. Honestly, Spencer would rather be at one of the other two tables. Yeah, the younger kids were arguing about Transformers versus G.I. Joe, and the girls at the teen table were talking about how dreamy Edward Cullen was while the boys made choking noises, but it had to be better than the palpable tension at the adult table. 

Still, Spencer kept his mouth shut through the unnecessarily long prayer (unable to help but think it was aimed at him and Brendon), and answered when he was addressed. It wasn’t Spencer’s style to play nice, but he’d do what he had to for Brendon to have the holiday he wanted. 

It wasn’t that anyone was outwardly mean, but things were still awkward. Probably still feeling wary about dinner the other evening, Grace kept leading the conversation away from Brendon and Spencer, particularly their work. 

After dinner, the kids begged Brendon to play piano until he gave in, making Lillian play with him as the other children sang along to the carols he chose to play. Spencer tried to help with the dishes, but the women all looked at him like he was crazy and Grace said, “Really, don’t bother.” It wasn’t that she said it in a mean way, but Spencer still couldn’t help taking it the wrong way. 

Kara just pushed him gently into the living room and said, “Go stare heart eyes at your man while he shows off his skills,” and squeezed back when Spencer caught her in a quick hug. 

Spencer rescued his daughter from where she was being passed around by the older children and took her to the front room off the kitchen where things were quieter, to rock her to sleep. He was there when he heard Brendon stop playing and go into the kitchen where the women were readying coffee and dessert. 

“It’s getting pretty late,” Brendon said. “The concert’s probably already started at the temple. We should go soon to see the lights before the kids get tired.” 

There was silence for a long minute, and Spencer held his breath. “We went last night,” Grace said at last, and at least she sounded ashamed. Spencer closed his eyes and couldn’t help but imagine the hurt on Brendon’s face. 

“Brendon,” Grace said, after another moment. “We thought it would be better for everyone, what with your fame, that we go without—”

“That’s bullshit, mom,” Brendon interrupted, and ignored it when Kara said his name softly in reprimand. “We went together two Christmases ago, and you never had a problem with my _fame_ then. Why can’t you just admit it’s because you’re embarrassed of me? Everyone goes to the temple to look at the lights. They have secular choirs perform there, mom, no one cares except you. And I’ve got news for you. All the people who know me because I’m _famous_ already know I’m gay, so I don’t know who you think you’re kidding.” 

Shyla, Shalan and Tess came out, giving Spencer uncomfortable, sympathetic looks. “We didn’t want to go without you guys,” Shalan said sincerely. “But Grace was pretty insistent.” 

Spencer waved a hand. “Seriously, we don’t blame you,” he said. “Don’t worry about it.” 

They couldn’t hear what was being said in hushed tones in the other room and the women all left for the living room, looking miserable and guilty, and it was so unfair that they were all in this position. 

Brendon came out almost ten minutes later, face red and shoulders slumped. “I guess you heard,” he said dully. 

Spencer nodded. “Baby,” he offered, holding out a sleeping Carmen, who Brendon took gratefully and snuggled close. 

“Let’s go home,” Brendon said. “I can’t be here anymore.” 

*

“Oh good,” Spencer’s mother said, when they’d barely got through the front door. “Home just in time. We’re going out.” 

Spencer gave her his weariest expression and whined, “Mom, we just got home and it’s been a sort of exhausting day.” 

“An hour, Spencer Smith, that’s all I’m asking. It’s Christmas, indulge me.” 

Spencer knew he was already going to give in because Brendon was smiling and looked at ease for the first time all day, watching the two of them bicker. 

They crowded into his mom’s mini-van, all of them including Jackie’s fiancée Jared, and it was a bit of a squeeze with Spencer and Brendon in the very back row of seats, Carmen’s car seat tucked safely between them. Up front Crystal and Mom fought over radio stations, switching back and forth between Christmas tunes and country music, and Spencer honestly couldn’t decide which was worse. 

“We’re never doing a Christmas CD,” Spencer said, and Brendon echoed, fervently, “Never.” 

Spencer had no idea where they were going, but after about twenty minutes Brendon sat up straighter, looking out the windows and said, “Are we—” He shifted around and looked at Spencer. “Did you tell your mom about what happened at my parents’?” 

“No?” Spencer said, bemused. 

It made sense a few minutes later when they pulled into a long lane, lined with trees lit up in white lights. As the trees cleared, the temple loomed ahead. It looked like a castle out of a Disney movie, or something, covered in red, blue and clear lights, but still elegant. 

“Guys—” Brendon said, and stopped, swallowing hard. “You didn’t have to—this isn’t. This is my family’s tradition, you didn’t have to...I mean, I know that Mormonism isn’t—”

Spencer’s dad laid a hand on Brendon’s shoulder and squeezed. “You are our family now,” he said. “It’s a good tradition to have.” 

“Besides,” Jackie said, as they were climbing out of the car. Spencer passed her Carmen so he could get out. “We can’t take all the credit for the idea.” 

Spencer looked around, and sure enough, a few yards away, taking up several blankets on the yard in front of the stage, were all of Brendon’s brothers and sisters, and their children. 

Brendon stumbled out of the car and came to an abrupt stop when he saw the same thing. He blinked several times, looking close to tears. “Guys,” he said, clearly overwhelmed, and just started hugging everyone, all of Spencer’s family and all of his own, some people three and four times, laughing. Even Jared indulged him, even if he looked confused and a little star-struck by it. 

“But Mom and Dad,” Brendon protested, when Spencer’s family had settled in along Brendon’s. Spencer noted, with dismay, that Crystal, Shalan and Erin were already talking about Twilight to each other. 

Mark rolled his eyes and Kara hugged Brendon close to her side. “You think you’re the only one who can rebel, little brother?” Eric asked. 

“Yeah, we went real crazy,” Jayson said, and shook a canister he had with him. “We brought _hot chocolate_.” 

Brendon obligingly gasped in mock horror. “Caffeine? The kids will be bouncing off the walls all night. Dad’ll never get to sleep.” 

“Serves him right, then,” Mark said. 

Brendon shook his head. “You guys are going to get into trouble, because of me,” he began, and Eric interrupted him. 

“Just think of it as payback for all those times we got you in trouble by blaming stuff on you.” 

“You mean like the cedar chest thing,” Brendon said, and his four siblings burst into laughter at the same time, undeterred by the expression on Brendon’s face. From there it dissolved into a series of accusations over who had actually been responsible for that particular transgression, and went on and on, from one misadventure to another until Spencer was laughing so much his sides hurt and Brendon was warm and happy, sitting half in his lap, Carmen in his arms. 

Before they left, Mark and Spencer’s father insisted on pictures. There were pictures of just the Urie clan and just the Smith family, and of Brendon and Spencer alone with Carmen, but looking over them later, Spencer’s favourite was the one with all of them together, Crystal and Shalan laughing at each other, Eric and Jeff giving each other bunny ears, Sara, Kara’s youngest, on Ginger’s hip. Brendon was holding Carmen out to face the camera and she was actually awake _and_ smiling, which was sort of a Christmas miracle on its own, not to mention the fact that her holiday dress was still pretty pristine. 

The picture had been taken on a timer and was more candid than posed, and a little blurry, but it was still the one Spencer had printed out to put on the wall they’d designated in the hall as “Carmen’s Milestones Wall.” 

*

For Carmen’s second Christmas, Spencer didn’t put up a protest when Brendon suggested they drive, and snuck the CD he’d burnt into the player without Brendon noticing as they left their driveway. 

The opening strains of _Anastasia_ began to play and Brendon’s face lit up. He laced his fingers through Spencer’s over the gear shift, and leaned in to give him a kiss at the next light. 


End file.
